T Spoon of Sunshine

Because I am still reeling from Chicago and because I am so very proud of him, here is a video (and blog post) that my guy created from our little birthday trip.  Enjoy! :-)

I struggled with figuring out how to write this because it's actually quite a personal post.  Although what I write does indeed provide a little peek into my life, that's usually where the threshold lies--a peek.  And now, I feel like you, my readers, are about to see a little more than just a peek.

I went to Chicago for my birthday.  The City of Big Shoulders is a place that I visited many moons ago and just fell in love with.  There was something about the Midwestern sensibility coupled with an incredibly urban metropolis that, when combined, work beautifully together.  It isn't as intimidating as New York can be, yet isn't as blasé as a random small town.  It has so much to offer its visitors and residents and that is something I can wholeheartedly appreciate.  It should be noted that I did not embark on a solo adventure.  But I also did not bring my mini co-pilot that I've taken with me on every trip I've been on.  I went with a guy--not just any guy--who is making life a lot more magical as of late.  Situations and circumstances withstanding, we met, the courtship has been beautifully unwavering, and we haven't really skipped a beat.  That said, it's kind of really quite different from anything I've ever experienced.  How could it be?  I have a toddler.  Who is with me.  At all times.  That's no easy feat.  And while originally my little girl was going to join us, about ten days before the trip, I made the executive decision to leave her behind.  I wanted a grown-up trip.  I wanted to be free of worry about feedings, nap times, diapers, strollers, carseats, and everything in between.  In a word, I wanted a vacation.  So, there's your "more than just a peek" peek.

I moved to Atlanta and knew a little more than a handful of people.  But that small number steadily grew into more and have turned into people I trust deeply and explicitly.  Although there is no blood that binds us, they are family.  They are my friends.  They are my brothers and sisters.  They are my community, my network.  They are my village.

When I committed to this excursion sans baby, my village stepped up and graciously, willingly, and excitedly offered to help.  I was blown away by how much they wanted to do this.  It's like they all saw something I didn't.  I actually really needed a break.  And I had people who were encouraging me to take it.  Why not?  A would be in excellent hands.  These couples all want to have children.  She would have bonding time with them, they would have bonding time with her, and I would be able to totally enjoy myself.  All of these "villagers" in my life are people that I would be honored to have in my daughter's life.  These are people who she will have to look up to.  These are people who will tell her stories years down the line about how awesome a time they had together making their own memories.  It was a win-win-win situation.

Admittedly, I was nervous leaving her behind for four days.  The only people who had watched her while I was away for an extended period of time were her grandparents.  This was an entirely new beast that I knew I would have to face one day.  That's what happens when you move away from relatives, right?  You form a different type of extended family.  People everywhere do this all the time.  I mean, not everyone lives near their nuclear families.  I researched.  I read about other moms who had done this.  I owned it.  I knew I wasn't being reckless.  If anything, I was being incredibly discerning and responsible.

And away I went.  We went.  And took Chicago by storm.  I almost forgot how fun it was to take a trip with no plans made and just improvise as the hours went on.  Knowing that my daughter was being taken care of in loving homes made the trip that much better, too.
On this trip, something happened.  It was a moment of self-discovery and it caught me a little off guard.  I realized that no matter how much my life evolves, I will never change who I really am.  I would be lying to myself and to my daughter if I pretended that I wasn't feeling a little burnt out here and then.  How would that benefit anyone?  Gloria Steinem once said, "You can have it all, but you can't do it all."  How true is that?  That statement surely has been met with criticism, but if you really stop and think about it, it's difficult to argue.  It's not sexist or demeaning.  It is what it is and applies to everyone.  And how humbling is it to actually accept it?  How often is it that moms or dads or parents don't take time for themselves and actually admit that they need help?  I know I'm only speaking for myself right now, but yeah, you better believe I need help sometimes.  It takes a village to raise a child.  And I feel so incredibly fortunate to have people in my life I can call my village.

To me, being a mother is the best thing in the world.  But I also know that being a mother does not equal being a martyr.  Giving everything to your children is par for the course; however that does not mean giving up who you are.  This trip taught me a lot.  It taught me that no matter how much I love my child, time away from her was crucial to refresh and reset.  I also discovered that I'm not the only person who feels this way.  I came back more in love with her than I could have imagined being.  I returned to her more excited than if I had seen her an hour prior.  And I returned to her feeling like I was ready to tackle more challenges that she might present to me at any given moment.  It taught me that I am still down for adventures, even if that means that she doesn't come with me.  Her life is being shaped by those around her.  I am her role model and one day, I hope she asks me questions about the trips I took and who she stayed with because those are the people who will most definitely play huge parts in her life.  I feel like this mini-break made me a better person.  A better woman.  A better girlfriend.  A better friend.  And most of all, a better mother.

Parents need to step outside their bubble.  They need to reconnect with one another.  They need to rediscover what makes each other tick.  They need to light a fire under the ass of adventure and just live life by the seat of their pants every now and then.  Why not?  Being a parent is not about losing sight of any of that.  It means being the best version of yourself that you could be so that everyone gains something great.  Is it selfish?  I don't think so.  Happy parents have happy kids.  It's just that simple.

(Of course, if you disagree, there's this, too. :-)




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And she's really smart.

It's been over a year now that I've thrown myself completely into this whole mom thing and I'll have you know, it has been no easy feat.  In the beginning, I thought it would be this sort of equal give-and-take, or that I would just want to hold her forever and all would be right with the world.  Boy, did I completely misjudge that role.  It feels almost foolish to admit that, but I actually laugh about it now.  A friend who became a parent before I did once told me, "Your kids end up ruling the house and you become the jester in their court to keep them happy."  That could not be closer from the truth!

Now that A and I are making it on our own, we've met a handful of people here who have been itching to spend time with her.  I welcome this because, let's face it, mama needs days off, too.  The thing is, because A is such a good kid, she is misjudged as an easy baby.  Simply put:  there are no "easy" babies.  They are all different, complex, tiny creatures with brains that are developing at an incredibly rapid pace, sponges absorbing every single thing, processing it all, and giving it right back to us.

Looking at her now, it's amazing to see how much she's grown.  It's incredible to see how far she's come.  I have somehow managed to interpret her gestures, emotions, and "words" and have transcribed them in her voice.  At least, it's what I imagine her voice to be:  intelligent, witty, and cheeky with a dash of moxie sprinkled in.

• My name is Anaïs, yes.  But you can call me An-chan, "pumpkin", or "buddy".  Anything else will produce a slight scowl because it will be offensive and I will be disappointed in any other name you give me that has not been given to me before.
  
  
• My best friend is my bunny who wears a top hat.  He has a mustache and coattails.  His name is Bradford.  My old best friend was my panda named Albert.  But I got bigger and he stayed small.  I needed a friend that was my size.  So now, Bradford is my favorite.
  
  
• I like to sleep in.  And by that, I mean, I wake up between 7:30 and 8:30 depending on what time you put me to bed.  If you wake up before me, don't (I repeat do not) even try to get me up, unless you are prepared to deal with a huge pout.  Early rising, in my book, is a perversion.  That is, until you feed me.
  
  
• I need at least one nap a day, but I really and truly prefer two.  I mean, who doesn't?  I like to take my first one about 2 hours after I wake up, after breakfast and after I play with you.  I'm happy with a bowl of oatmeal, a glass of milk, and a banana.  I love bananas.  In fact, I'm obsessed with them.  So much so that my mom actually hides them from me during other mealtimes otherwise you're out of luck.
  
  
• I know things.  I know a lot of things.  So, put me to the test.  If I look bored and vacant, I will stare at you for entertainment and will expect you to ask me where my nose, tummy, eyes, mouth, hands, feet, and hair are.  Ask me where I am!  Ask me to make animal sounds.  I know what a cat, doggie, horse, elephant, birdie, monkey, and lion say!  Ask me to sing you a song.  Ask me to clap my hands.  Just because I'm tiny and can't really talk doesn't mean that I don't actually know things.  I do, I'll have you know.  Do this repeatedly and we'll be ok.
  
  
• You'll very quickly discover that I am quite curious.  About everything.  E V E R Y T H I N G.  I don't have an enormous vocabulary, but I love love love learning.  I will ask, "What's that?" a million times.  More than a million times.  I will point to the same thing over and over again and ask you what it is.  Just answer, ok?  Just tell me.  Sure, I might have heard it seventeen times, but how else am I supposed to know what it is?  Repetition is key, right?
  
  
• I like crawling around.  I like learning how to walk, the operative word being "learning".  If you hold my hand and walk with me, I feel like I am a big girl and can do anything!  If you leave me to try to figure it out by myself with little to no encouragement, I'll be sad and you'll be annoyed.  Let's not do that.
  
  
• When I get tired, I rub my eyes.  I yawn.  So when you see that after dinner, ask me if I want to take a bath.  I'll respond in a half-whisper, "Baaaaaahhhh...."  That is my way of saying, yes!  I love baths!  When I'm in the bath, I like to just sit and play with my toys.  I like to splash.  And if you say, "splash splash splash", I'll do it!  I will!  Because I love it so so so much.  And when I get tired in the tub, I might say "Alllll done." And that's when you come in and say, "Time to go night night?"  Don't be surprised to hear me answer immediately, "Night night," upon hearing that question.
  
  
• Once I'm all fresh and clean from my bath and towel-dried, I am ready for bed.  You should know, though, that before I hit the sack, I need my lotion.  Need.  It makes me feel even better and smells oh, so good!  So just put a little on my chest, my arms, and my legs.  Don't forget my feet!
  
  
• I like books, too.  I really do.  I love the pictures and I especially love it when you make sound effects or get into character.  Will you do that when we read together?  It's the best when we read just before I go to bed.  And when I'm done for the day, when I just can't keep my eyes open any more, I will say, "Night night," without hesitation.      

There is a calm right now.  A stillness.  What's that?  Oh, yes.  It's the sound of a baby who is down for the rest of the night.  It feels fucking great.

Motherhood.  It's a choice.  It's a decision.  It's the only 24-hour-7-day-a-week-always-on-call job that you never ever ask or require or want a paycheck for because nothing could never add up in a dollar amount to how fulfilling the rewards and benefits are in shaping another human being, an extension of who you are.  And it's life-changing.  It is a role I had always wanted but never really knew how to wrap my head around it until it came into fruition.  There are a ton of amazing days.  The small things really amaze you ("Did you say banana?  YOU DID?!  YAAAAY!") yet can totally piss you off, too ("What.  What do you want?  Stop pointing and just.  Say.  What.  You.  Want.  Please.").  You feel like kind of a lunatic one day.  Then the next, you feel like you're invincible.  That constant fluctuation of feelings is something you hear about but not really anything anyone talks about in detail because, well, it's all trial by fire.  And no one wants to misfire.

I woke up this morning not feeling well-rested.  I just felt like I didn't get enough sleep.  And so, for the remainder of the day, I was just lagging.  By 11 a.m., I was ready to curl back up in bed and pull the sheets over my head to just try to catch up on rest.  Obviously, I can't therefore didn't do that.  So, while A and I were running errands at the grocery store and beyond, I sluggishly pushed the cart with her and her ball of sunshine energy radiating and just felt like crying.  I felt exhausted.  She wasn't acting up.  She wasn't being fussy.  She was definitely well-rested.  But as I looked at her with tears welling up in my eyes, I quietly leaned in, gave her a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Mommy's really tired, buddy.  Really really tired."  She put her hand on my face and said, "Mama?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Mama night night?"
"Yes please.  Mama night night."

And that.  That little short exchange made me feel like I was doing something right.  Or maybe I should give myself a little more credit and just say that I'm actually doing everything right.  That I got through, that she got me--that's better than I could have ever imagined even in my wildest dreams.

Vampire Weekend – Step (Official Lyrics Video) from Rokkit on Vimeo.

This song.  I'm not such a big fan of Vampire Weekend.  Yet, this song makes me feel warm and happy and hopeful.  After yesterday, I feel like this was exactly what I needed to hear.  Plus, when you have a black and white video comprised of good typography and NYC B-roll, it's a recipe for success.  Happy listening!

Sometimes, even the most beautiful days can make you feel sad.

Officially establishing myself as a Georgia Peach over the last month has been kind of a whirlwind full of waiting lines, fits of frustration and rage, and then suddenly, a very big calm blanket that hugs me with a feeling of accomplishment.  That "fuck yeah" moment, you know?  Yet, even with that, I still go through, what I call waves.  I have waves of sadness that consume me and that's normal.  I am, after all, still going through grief.  That being said, just because I feel this sadness doesn't mean that I'm paralyzed.  If anything, the sadness is the kick in the ass that I need to just get me moving even more.

This print, done by a husband and wife duo under the name of KOZYNDAN, is aptly titled "Uprisings" and was inspired by one of my favorite artists, Hokusai and his wave.  The juxtaposition of the tumultuous and fierce ocean with the soft and fluffy bunny rabbits reflects the waves I feel in that when I am actually in it, I feel helpless and overwhelmed but remind myself that once the wave passes, all starts to feel right with the world again.  There is a softness and the new life I have laid out has halcyon days forever.

Looking at the print makes me smirk a little bit.  It is so deceptively angry from afar.  But upon closer inspection, it's nothing but simple and adorable.




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The full moon does some weird stuff to people.  I never really paid much attention to it before, but as time goes on, I'm noticing that the moon does, in fact, affect how I'm feeling.  Which is why, much to my surprise, I am reveling in how great today was.