You guys. Eleven.
There's so much going on in my head and in my heart that there isn't one word to accurately summarize this emotion. What I do know is that I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The other night, I found myself in bed feeling really antsy. I was trying to get to bed but I was in that weird space of time just before falling asleep but struggling to fight a too-active mind. I was going back and forth with myself about all the wedding details: flowers, decor, food, drinks, etc. You know, all the stuff on the sidelines of parties but are incredibly critical to the way the party is actually executed. I thought about my Maids of Honor (yes, Maids because I couldn't pick just one). I thought about my dress. I thought about the weather--how hot will it be? How humid will it be? I thought about A's nap schedules and wishing and hoping she doesn't have a flower girl meltdown (toddlers!). I thought about my dad and how I wished he could be there, even if he was a total grouch. I thought about the cake and the pies we will have. And I thought about Jesse. In his suit. Standing at the end of the aisle looking handsome as all hell. Waiting for me. Me!
I told a girlfriend of mine that it feels like there's a balloon in my chest that keeps rising and falling, as if someone is trying to inflate it, but air keeps escaping it. It deflates, but more air is added until it feels tight and big, like it's about to burst. The pattern repeats itself--deflate, inflate, deflate, inflate. I look around me and see the life we're building, and also see the life we've already built. I look over at him and feel all the things: there he is, the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. We are passionate people with a lot of fight in us. And in our relatively short-ish relationship, we've been put through the ringer, yet somehow, there was a natural and organic progression of things. We went through an evolution and we are continuing to evolve. This is the man I'm creating a future with. Together, we are going to make this life the best we've ever known. I love what we have and the life we are headed towards.
I recently got some really great advice that I'm taking wholeheartedly from one of my best friends who said, "Try to remember these last few days in as much detail as possible. Try and remember what it was like before you actually got married. Because those feelings are never going to be there again and they are so sweet to remember." I agree. And I also believe the sweetest memories are yet to come.