There is a calm right now. A stillness. What's that? Oh, yes. It's the sound of a baby who is down for the rest of the night. It feels fucking great.
Motherhood. It's a choice. It's a decision. It's the only 24-hour-7-day-a-week-always-on-call job that you never ever ask or require or want a paycheck for because nothing could never add up in a dollar amount to how fulfilling the rewards and benefits are in shaping another human being, an extension of who you are. And it's life-changing. It is a role I had always wanted but never really knew how to wrap my head around it until it came into fruition. There are a ton of amazing days. The small things really amaze you ("Did you say banana? YOU DID?! YAAAAY!") yet can totally piss you off, too ("What. What do you want? Stop pointing and just. Say. What. You. Want. Please."). You feel like kind of a lunatic one day. Then the next, you feel like you're invincible. That constant fluctuation of feelings is something you hear about but not really anything anyone talks about in detail because, well, it's all trial by fire. And no one wants to misfire.
I woke up this morning not feeling well-rested. I just felt like I didn't get enough sleep. And so, for the remainder of the day, I was just lagging. By 11 a.m., I was ready to curl back up in bed and pull the sheets over my head to just try to catch up on rest. Obviously, I can't therefore didn't do that. So, while A and I were running errands at the grocery store and beyond, I sluggishly pushed the cart with her and her ball of sunshine energy radiating and just felt like crying. I felt exhausted. She wasn't acting up. She wasn't being fussy. She was definitely well-rested. But as I looked at her with tears welling up in my eyes, I quietly leaned in, gave her a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Mommy's really tired, buddy. Really really tired." She put her hand on my face and said, "Mama?"
"Mama night night?"
"Yes please. Mama night night."
And that. That little short exchange made me feel like I was doing something right. Or maybe I should give myself a little more credit and just say that I'm actually doing everything right. That I got through, that she got me--that's better than I could have ever imagined even in my wildest dreams.